An Old News Report
This just in: September 9 was National Procrastination Day.
And now, for an update on the Commander In Heat (Leno):
In a historic move, the Starr report was released on the internet. Boy, Ibet Clinton is rethinking his goal of putting a computer in every classroom. (Leno)
Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars up!
President Clinton has been meeting with a minister once a week to help him with temptation... the only problem is, she's a really hot minister.(O'Brien)
Newt Gingrich called President Clinton a misogynist and a womanizer who just uses women and then moves on to the next. The speaker's current - and second wife - was not available for comment.
Clinton said there are a lot of important issues that Congress should be focusing on, like making sure people don't lose their health care coverage when they lose their job, no matter who the person is, even if he is, say, president of the United States. (Leno)
Investigators working for congressional Republicans are recommending further charges against President Clinton for things Starr overlooked. Good thinking. *Someone* should go to jail for killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.
In other news:
Congress is back at work after their summer vacation. They work for a month before wrapping up for the year. No wonder they can't get anything done.
A teenager is suing Chrysler Corp. after his friends put a hot french fry down his shirt, causing him to jump in front of his car and get run over by it. He can't win. Written in plain english on the front of the car is"Dodge".
The LA City Council voted to virtually eliminate all outdoor advertising for tobacco products. Oddly, outdoors is the only place people are permitted to smoke anymore.
Recently revealed statistics indicate that Hyundai, Kia and Yugo drivers are involved in the fewest accidents. Some of the reasons are, they tend to drive slower, and the car is usually in the shop.
Art experts at the Louvre want to clean the Mona Lisa. They say she's so dirty, they're thinking of changing her name to the Monica Lisa.
In Arizona, a fence contractor accidentally put barbed wire around a high school instead of a chain link fence. It was an understandable mistake - he was from L.A.
Michael Jackson recently celebrated his 40th birthday. He doesn't look 40. After all, his nose is only 12, his lips are just 18 and his skin will be 10 in December.
The FDA approved a prescription morning after pill that can prevent pregnancy. Prescription? If you thought that far ahead, you wouldn't need the pill.
A small bird flew into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane at Dulles International, causing a three hour delay for a flight full of London bound travelers. Oddly, their luggage arrived in Tokyo on time.
A Michigan mathematician spent 10 years and three gigabytes of computer memory to figure out that the best way to stack fruit in the grocery store is in a pyramid. My guess is it was a federally funded study.
A California laboratory completed a study showing that duct tape does not seal ducts well. My guess is it was a federally funded study.
A Virginia woman is donating a kidney to her boss. Would you do that? Before or after your yearly evaluation?
Fisher Price has recalled 54,000 infant car seats to replace a defective adjusting strap. The strap had a tendency to become loose whenever the kid asked, "Are we there yet?"
WalMart, Kmart and Target say they won't sell Marilyn Manson's new album. This will save Marilyn Manson fans the embarrassment of being seen in a Kmart.
Break dancing is coming back. You know you're getting old when something you were too old for the first time around is making a comeback. (Leno)
And finally, Geraldo Rivera has said that Jerry Springer is the most shameful man in America. Geraldo lost that title when his own show went off the air.