Stock Market Activity Report

With the stock market in the news, here is a brief guide to todays activity

" Helium was up;

"Feathers were down;

"Beef steered into a bull market;

"Paper was stationary;

"Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading;

"Pencils lost a few points;

"Hiking equipment was trailing;

"Elevators rose;

"Escalators continued their slow decline;

"Weights were up in heavy trading;

"Light switches were off;

"Mining equipment hit rock bottom;

"Shipping lines stayed at an even keel;

"The market for raisins dried up;

"Coca Cola fizzled;

"Caterpillar stock inched up a bit;

"Balloon prices were inflated;

"Scott Tissue touched a new bottom;

"Knives were up sharply;

"Sun stocks peaked at midday;

and the best one ...
"Diapers remain unchanged.