Guide to Intellectual Foreplay
Have you ever noticed that we tend to choose our partners by "looks good" or "feels good" only to wake up in the midst of relationships that really aren’t good?! One of the biggest mistakes we make at the beginning of a relationship is not asking enough questions. We tend to ask more questions about a car we are buying than about a lover, potential life mate or parent to our children. When taking on any other endeavor—a business relationship, buying a house or appliances—we wisely ask a whole host of questions to ensure that we make the right choice. Can you imagine buying a house because it looks good and feels good without examining the costs, the condition of the property, serious damage, needed repairs, your readiness to move, your commitment to the payments, the previous owner’s readiness to sell, what the neighbors are like, and on and on? Yet that is exactly what we do in relationships. We base our choices solely on physical attraction and emotional desire, and then can’t understand why our relationships don’t work.
Times have changed in the realm of relationships, and these changes require a new, more conscious approach toward choosing a partner. By practicing the stimulating art of Intellectual Foreplay, you can turn this process around, establish an intimate relationship with a potential partner or, just as important, recognize a "no win" situation immediately and stop before the relationship goes any further.
What is Intellectual Foreplay?
"Foreplay" literally means "the play that comes first," the play that you engage in before you go the distance together. We generally think of this in physical terms: foreplay builds intrigue, excitement, and desire—creating readiness—before sex. Foreplay is time well spent, because it makes the whole experience more satisfying. Intellectual Foreplay offers a variation on this idea: it is the stimulation and interest that is created between two people when they communicate effectively. Intellectual Foreplay means taking the time to discuss important questions with a prospective partner and to discover compatibility before you "go the distance" and make a commitment to a relationship. Just like its physical counterpart, Intellectual Foreplay can build excitement and desire—or quickly reveal a lack of compatibility, saving you months, or even years, of putting energy into a relationship that isn’t going to work.
The central idea of Intellectual Foreplay is the practice of FOURplay—getting to know each other 1) intellectually, 2) emotionally, 3) spiritually, and 4) physically before making the commitment to serious involvement. Granted, if you think too much about your relationship, you may never get married. However, if you think too little, you’ll surely get divorced.
Intellectual Foreplay Guidelines (NO they are NOT rules!)
1) Make a list of what you think you should ask someone before you get seriously involved. Identify what is important to you, your "non-negotiables," and start your exploration there. For example, if you require someone to be certain religion in order to be a serious candidate for a life mate, begin a discussion on religion. If you require someone who likes the same sports or entertainment as you, ask your potential partner questions about how they spend their time and their willingness to participate.
2) Keep it light for starters, or you’ll scare people away. Asking questions can open the door to hours of lively discussion and discovery; however, that won’t happen if your partner feels interrogated. Intellectual Foreplay is not an interview or intensive exam; it is about the process of getting to know each other. When you bring up a question you want to discuss, answer it yourself before expecting your partner to answer. By doing this, you avoid the feeling of interrogation by modeling your own willingness to share.
3) Remember there are no "right" or "wrong" answers. Intellectual Foreplay isn’t about finding out what is wrong with the other person; it is about finding out who is the other person. While their answers may not be right for you, it doesn’t mean that their answers are wrong for them. Watch for indications of compatibility or a lack thereof, keeping your "non-negotiables" in mind.
4) Pay attention to your partner’s answers. Nine times out of ten when a relationship is breaking up, we can remember back to the beginning when our partner either told us or showed us exactly what the problems would be in the relationship. Everything is information. What you see and hear, is usually what you get!
5) Trust your gut instincts. If that little voice in your head is flashing the warning lights—even if your partner is saying all the right things, pay attention. If you know in your gut that your partner is the one for you, no matter what, trust your intuition.
6) Just as important as making the right choice in a partner is being the right choice as a partner. Pay attention to your own answers to the questions, as well. It may be that you are not the best candidate as a partner for them. It is a wise person who knows when the shoe does not fit.
7) Take action on what you discover. It doesn’t matter what you find out about yourself and a partner if you aren’t willing to act on it. If you discover that this is the person for you, proceed. If you discover that they are not, stop. Simple as that. Take responsibility for your choices and your actions.
Practice Intellectual Foreplay Online!
If you are exploring the world of online dating, Intellectual Foreplay is an absolute must for determining whether you want to meet in person, and then again for deciding whether there should be a second date. Just follow the same guidelines above via email and chat rooms. If you are already in the midst of a relationship, Intellectual Foreplay will help you to clarify what you are doing and where you are going, bringing a higher level of quality to your communication. Whether dating online or off, you’ll find practicing Intellectual Foreplay to be a fun, fascinating and stimulating process!