Think before You leap

The world of Internet Dating can no longer be ignored. Millions and millions of people are turning to the Internet as a viable way of meeting a potential partner. Not everyone, however, has taken the time to consider their own personal readiness to date online. Putting a little forethought into the following questions and how you feel about them can greatly enhance your online dating experience.

What kind of relationship are you really looking for?

At this point in your life, is the timing right for you to enter a relationship?

Are you available—physically and emotionally?

If you met someone online who intrigued you, would you be willing to meet them in person?

How soon? Under what circumstances?

How do you feel about long distance relationships?

To what extent is geography an issue to you?

Are you willing to move for a relationship?

What would the costs and benefits be?

How do you feel about talking to strangers?

Do you handle this differently online than off?

How do you feel about women taking the initiative to meet a man?

As a woman, are youcomfortable making the first move?

As a man, how do you feel receiving the first contact?

What are your feelings about when it is appropriate or expected for a man to pay?

How do you feel about a woman offering or insisting on paying?

Are you, or are you willing to be, honest with your online partners?

What are your beliefs about monogamy and at what stage in a relationship does it
become important for you?

Do you make the same choices regarding sexual activity online as you do off?

How will engaging in sexual exchanges online affect your ability to meet in person
or affect already existing relationships?

Do you believe you can you truly love someone you have never met?

These are not only great questions to ask yourself, but they are also great for exploring and assessing your "e-dates" readiness and willingness to play with you! People online expect you to ask them questions. They expect you to want to know more about them before you agree to meet in person. Use this list of questions as a guide for getting started. Use the answers as a guide for making wise and healthy choices.

Choices Abound Online
One of the benefits of online dating is that it helps us to recognize that we have a lot of options. We can choose to be passive and wait for people to contact us. We can choose to be assertive and send an inquiry to a person that intrigues us. We can choose to delete a message or respond. We can choose to take what someone says seriously, or personally, or explore it more deeply, or simply ignore it. We not only have choices about whom we date or marry, but we also have the choice of how we behave and the quality that we bring to our relationships.

Responsibility is Powerful
The good news is that choice is very powerful. The bad news—at least to some—is that choice requires responsibility. Personally, I like taking responsibility for myself and my life. I like knowing that if I don’t like something, I can respond to it in a new way and create a new situation. I like knowing that I am the author of my life and if I bring in a character that is a villain, I can "write" that person out or change the way that I interact with that person minimizing their impact on me. If I don’t have enough love in my life, I can choose to be more loving. There is tremendous freedom in embracing that responsibility.

That we have choices seems so obvious, but so often we get into difficult situations and rather than recognizing that we can make choices that change what is happening in our lives, we get stuck. We get stuck when we think that what needs to change is the other person, or the situation, rather than our response to the other person or the events in our lives.

Dishing It Out
The Internet offers us a degree of ease in decision making. The good news about this is that we are getting better at determining what we will and won’t put up with and what we want and don’t want in a relationship. The bad news is that because we are not face to face with the people we are talking to, often we don’t have to deal with the consequences of our choices. If we don’t write back to someone, or if we simply break up or say mean things via email, we don’t have to handle their hurt. We can simply delete any further messages from them. This separation from the impact of our words and behavior on other people can cause us to disassociate from our responsibility for our actions. We need to be conscious about our choices and aware of the impact that we have on others—even if we can’t see them.

Look at All the Skills You Have Gained!
As we become more practiced, via the Internet, in making choices about what we want, defining our comfort zones and establishing our boundaries, we can then bring those same skills into our every day, face to face, relationships. Imagine a world in which people are able to clearly articulate what they need and how they are feeling, let someone know when their feelings are hurt and clear it up right away, or stop a relationship immediately if it is not in alignment with their values. People are hungry for honest, clear communication. We are tired of the confusion of playing games, following arbitrary rules and trying to second-guess what someone else is thinking. By becoming aware of the skills we are developing on the Internet and consciously applying them in the rest of our lives, we can make huge strides in creating healthier relationships.

What have you learned about yourself by interacting with others online?
This question is far more powerful than it first appears. No book or teacher can instill lessons upon you like you can learn yourself by taking a moment to self-reflect and pay attention to your own life experiences. Without taking that moment, however, you may not even realize the benefits you are gaining.