Love Checklist for Couples

The aim of this checklist is to help you identify areas in which you and your lover show caring now and areas you don't, pinpointing places you might want to improve. There is no right or wrong way to do this, no scoring afterwards. It is designed only to make you more conscious of your own strengths as an individual and as a couple, not to make you feel inadequate or to start a fight.

The checklist
Read and rate each question. If the question doesn't apply, skip it. If you want to do it alone, that's up to you. Proceed in your own way at your pace.

1=never 2=occasionally 3=most of the time 4=always
How often do you relax with your partner?

How often do you show your partner you care?

How often do you experience a moment of conscious connection?

When is your relationship your first priority?

How often do you spend time alone with your partner?

How often do you give your partner alone time?

Can you say no to your partner without feeling guilty?

Can you see things from your partner's side, even when you disagree?

Do you help when your partner is overwhelmed or anxious?

Can you appreciate the rhythms of your relationship, the ups and downs, the changes, without getting upset?

Do you consider your partner your equal?

Do you use pet names or other endearments?

How often do you show physical affection (holding hands, hugs, etc.)?

How often do you remember to care for yourself and your own needs?

Can you welcome your differences of opinions?

Do you accept your partner's weak points?

How often do you nurture your support team: friends, family, community?

How often do you indulge your sensuous side?

How often do you play together, get silly, have fun?

How often do you nurture your spiritual selves?

How often do you let go and totally trust each other?

Can you forgive your partner when he or she hurts you?

If you like, talk about the questions where your and your partner's ratings differ widely. Can you deduce anything from these discrepancies? Are the questions you answered "never" areas you would like to improve? Be sure to congratulate each other on the number 4's!

Recognizing what you are already doing well
We tend to ignore the good things about our relationships and focus on the negative aspects. This exercise helps to overcome the obstacles that may be preventing you from noticing your partner's good deeds.

Get some little sticky labels. For one week, each time your lover does something you consider nurturing, take a sticker and stick it in your "scoring" area. Each partner needs a separate "scoring" area. The wall by your office phone, over the kitchen sink, inside your briefcase or appointment calendar are possibilities. At the end of each week, count your stickers. Then take turns expressing your appreciation for each nurturing act that caused you to "stick a sticker." (Don't turn this into a competition -- make it an feast of appreciation instead.)

Make a list
Complete the sentence stem below. Come up with as many conclusions as you can, ten, twenty or even thirty. Focus on specific, positive items but don't censor yourself -- record all your reactions, even if they seem too wild or impossible.

I feel loved and nurtured when you...
hold my hand in a movie
initiate morning lovemaking
catch my eyes across a crowded room and wink
dance in sexy underwear

Trade lists with your partner. Once a day, even if you don't feel like it, choose one item from your partner's list and carry it out. Don't tell your partner which one; surprise him or her. If there are items on your sweetheart's list you don't feel comfortable doing, skip those. Feel free to repeat pleasures that go over particularly well. After two weeks, set aside fifteen or so minutes to talk about what this has been like. Concentrate on imprinting into your consciousness the likes and dislikes of your best beloved.